my school
Before anything I should apologize for how unorganized this post is but that's not really the point, is it? I'm trying harder to not let things like that bug me- it can really ruin your life being that obsessive over little things and having to make sure everything around you is perfectly perfect.
Today was generally unfulfilling- most of my days are. It's all about school and trying to get stuff done and weighing what you can afford to put off and the things you must do. I'm constantly making lists. I'm a grand planner. Anyways, it's just one school thing after another. I never have time to read what I want and that doesn't always put me in the best mood. I'm trying to stay sane because I have less than a month of school left. Then I can read my books and I'll have my rabbit to care for and I'm going to three festivals and hopefully two more concerts.
It's Easter tomorrow and my family on my mom's side are Italian Catholics. I don't really have any type of religious belief and I certainly can't grasp the idea that some guy named Jesus died on the cross for us... You know, you're told all this stuff as a kid (or at least I was, since I grew up in Ontario where there are Catholic public schools (the French were here first but then the British came and took over so they gave them that I guess)) and you're just expected to believe it. You never really get a chance to ask questions before you become a Catholic. They baptize you when you're a baby and you get the host when you're seven and your mom tells you "God sees when your bad," and you know already that bad people don't go to heaven so you connect those two and you don't do that bad thing. Isn't that an awful way to teach your child right from wrong? Not to criticize my mother as a parent or even imply that all that that's what all religious parents instill in their children... But I know I'm not going to raise my kids that way. I've learned a lot from my parents about how to parent your children and part of this was learning exactly what not to do.
I really should get back to doing my schoolwork. I go to University for Life Sciences in hope of one day becoming a doctor (I want to be a surgeon or an obstetrician/gynaecologist). I speak of this goal as though it is a miracle if I get through it and/or survive through it. That way others don't have high expectations of me ("But you're so smart, Mel, and you try so hard.....") and I don't let myself down. There is nothing else that I want to be, I don't think. I have a very strange and deep love for hospitals. Bodily fluids don't freak me out. I like needles. I want to help sick people and I want to one day volunteer for Doctors Without Boarders. But I fear I'm not good enough or intelligent enough. I'm also afraid of giving up my life for my career. I've already given up my youth. And I want to have a family (4 kids would be nice) but I don't know. I try not to think of it much.
I also can't see myself doing anything else. I would love to make films or write, but I don't think I'm creative enough for those things. This year has really taken a toll on my mental health so I hope things get better and I hope I begin to learn things that I actually find interesting.
Next year I'm communing and my mom said that I can fix up my room nice so that I have a nice spot to do my work and such so that I don't have to do my homework in the noisy kitchen (my family is very noisy). I'm probably going have a minimalist theme... I don't need any more clutter in my life than I already have and I tend to be messy as it is. I really just want to go through everything I have, donate everything I don't want/need and start fresh. White walls, a nice vase of white flowers, a big desk... A reading corner, perhaps, if I get a nice chair.
I won't be able to post probably until my exams are over but after that I hope they're more frequent.
Have a wonderful week, everyone.
